I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
