i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
