I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
