I looked at my own cervix.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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