I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
