i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
