I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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