I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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