They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
