hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
