Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
