Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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