I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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