It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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