i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
