nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
