I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
