At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
