I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
