Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
