allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I am available for nakedness
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
