I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
The struggles of a small town man whore
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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