But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
