i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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