Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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