I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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