hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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