My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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