What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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