You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
