why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
