Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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