i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
