She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
