shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
