We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
