I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
