What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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