Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
