The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
