Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
