we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
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