im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
