Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
