i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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