Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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