I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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