I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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