It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I am one with the molecules
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
