I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
